You Can Buy a Toy Spider that Moves When Kids Shriek at It Because There Is No Humanity Left

Still struggling to find just the right gift for your sworn enemy? Want to keep your kids occupied while simultaneously losing your own sanity? Or simply looking for a way to make playtime louder and more obnoxious than it already was?

Well, you’re in luck! The latest “hot” toy this holiday season is a terrifying little spider that moves faster the louder you yell at it.

“What now?” you are probably asking. Let me shriek it louder for you: THERE IS NOW A FUZZY SPIDER THAT MOVES FASTER THE MORE YOUR KID SCREAMS AT IT!

If you think I must be joking, I’m not. The line of toys, made by the kid-lovers-slash-parent-haters over at Hasbro, is called “Yellies!” and it’s not even trying to be covert with its cruel intention. The tag line is quite plainly, “The louder you yell, the faster they go!”

How they actually work is this: through sound recognition, they move based on volume – the softer you speak, the slower they go, and vice versa. Hand clapping, singing, and music also make them move, and the one saving grace is that if the toy hears only silence for a few moments, it will perform a “secret move,” unique to its character, for which there are a dozen. Although they’re sold separately, if you put multiple next to one another, they’ll interact and scurry about in a group. Because what you really need isn’t just one of these, but several of them banning together.

If you are still considering purchasing a Yellie!, just read some of the top reviews on Amazon:

“Kids are never loud enough, so I appreciate that this gives them the freedom to yell and be louder.”

“As a relatively new parent, I’d like this game’s creator and the lead executives at Hasbro arrested immediately for disturbing the peace.”

“Buy this if you hate someone with kids.”

“My 3-year-old is terrified of it. His screams of terror drives the toy crazy, which makes his screams even crazier. It’s a cycle of chaos.”

Convinced? Buy one for someone you don’t love below.

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